I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
