my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
