Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
