I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
