So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I could fuck to npr.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
