Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Less talking, more tequila
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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