Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
