Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
