Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
they call him Oral-B. enough said
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
