Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
