the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
