you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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