I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
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