I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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