I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
