I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
