i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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