Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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