Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
