She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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