I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
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