New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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