Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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