What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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