I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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