I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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