Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
