i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize