So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I look better un-naked...
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Randomize
