Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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