How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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