ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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