This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
