i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
