Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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