Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
