My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
