I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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