let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
My life is pants optional.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
