Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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