Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
