You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
