i love accidental penises.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
