Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize