I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
