my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
