she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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