Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
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