Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
