her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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