3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize