I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
