I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
