My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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