I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Randomize
