she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
