I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
