Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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