my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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