Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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