Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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