Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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